‘Look my willy! Look like snake, long snake. I pull it?’
Two minutes later.
‘Look my crazy willy!’
In other news, we had sausage pasta for dinner.
1 onion, chopped
2 small carrots, diced
2 sticks celery, diced
1 tin chopped tomatoes and half the can of water
Salt and pepper
1 tablespoon cream
1 teaspoon fennel seeds
1 tablespoon cream
Parmesan to serve
Fry the veg gently in olive oil till starting to soften then tip in the tomatoes and water, and season. Simmer for 15 minutes.
Meanwhile de-skin the sausage and break into pieces into a hot pan with a splash of oil in. Add the fennel seeds and cook on a very low heat while the sauce cooks.
Then blend the sauce, add half to the sausages (fridging or freezing the rest for pasta sauce or pizza sauce), stir a spoonful of cream into the remainder and simmer on a very low heat while you cook the pasta. Add a splash of the drained pasta water to the sauce, stir through the cooked pasta till its coated in sauce and you’re good to go. Sprinkle on Parmesan at the table.
Eat naked from the waist down, dressed as the Gruffalo waist up.
Looks and tastes like standard pizza sauce (maybe a little sweeter), turns pizza into a vaguely healthy meal for small builders who spent all afternoon methodically digging a tiny road into the gravel on the drive.
I can’t remember the last time I saw my child without fancy dress on, other than in the bath.
Enough for about 16 pizzas (I froze some)
1 large carrot
1 small parsnip
2 sticks celery
Dash olive oil
Salt and pepper
1 tin chopped tomatoes
1 teaspoon balsamic vinegar
1 teaspoon golden caster sugar
Pre-heat the oven to gas mark 6/ 200 degrees. Slice the veg into 5cm batons, drizzle generously with oil, season and roast for about half an hour. Then tip the lot, oil and all, into a pan with the tomatoes, balsamic vinegar and sugar, cooking gently for 10 minutes. Blend to a puree, check seasoning and spread on rolled out pizza dough before adding mozzarella and any other toppings (ham for me, road dust for him).
Bert breakfasted as a fireman, shopped as an astronaut and dined as a builder.
If I’d ever wondered what it was like to be famous, walking down a shopping street with a tiny astronaut would have given me a clue. Nearly everyone stared, smiled or stopped to talk. Bert was muttering to himself under his helmet ‘look me! I spaceman!’
Not every man can carry off a silver jump suit.
1 small onion, chopped
A little olive oil
3 cloves garlic, peeled but left whole
2 carrots, peeled and chopped
2 sticks celery, chopped
1 x 380g can chickpeas
Salt and pepper
2 tablespoons single cream
Macaroni to appetite
This is based on a Nigel Slater recipe but I rarely make a tomato sauce without adding extra veg. I had mine with green salad (Bert mimed being sick) and we both had grated cheese on top.
Gently sauté the onion in a little olive oil. Add the garlic, carrots and celery and cook till the onion’s transparent, then tip in the passata (or tinned tomatoes, if you prefer). Bring to a fast simmer then turn right down and cook on a gentle heat for an hour to an hour and a half.
At the end of the cooking time put the pasta on to boil. Puree the sauce and add the drained chickpeas and cream, seasoning to your taste. Heat through for five minutes then stir through the drained pasta.
If you don’t have a blender, you could finely chop the onion, crush the garlic and grate the veg.
Serve with grated cheese and green leaves (bleurgh).
This is a version of a Jamie Oliver recipe. Bert spurned it, but I put that down to teething (teething which had miraculously disappeared by the time he was offered his first chocolate milkshake later). Not sure how we’ll justify his evil behaviour when those last two molars have come through.
Serves 3 generously
Selection of veg to roast (I used a carrot, 3 sticks of celery and a red pepper, but you could just use a couple of those, or substitute leek for the celery), roughly chopped
1/2 a punnet of cherry tomatoes
4 or 5 garlic cloves, whole and unpeeled
1-2 tablespoons olive oil
Salt and pepper to taste
2 tins chopped tomatoes
1/2 tin of water
2 or 3 handfuls of alphabet pasta (or spaghetti broken up into pieces)
Spoonfuls of pesto and grated cheese to serve
Drizzle the veg, cherry tomatoes and garlic with olive oil and roast in a hot oven (220 degrees or the top of the Aga roasting oven) for about 40 minutes, till soft.
Set aside the garlic and tip the veg and juices into a pan, squeezing the soft garlic out of its papery cases into the veg. Add the tinned tomatoes and water and blitz with a blender to a nearly smooth onsistency. Stir the pasta through and bring the lot to a simmer on the hob, cooking till the pasta’s soft (about 7 to 10 minutes).
Serve with a blob of pesto and a sprinkling of grated cheese.
This did not get the dramatic ‘mmmm’s that the chocolate milkshake did. At least, not from Bert.
Oops, we’re having a barbeque for dinner and forgot to start it in time for Bert.
Serves 0.5 with leftovers for risotto balls for lunch – triple the quantities to serve 1.5
1-1.5 teaspoons butter
1/2 onion, diced finely
1/3 stick celery, diced finely
1/2 clove garlic, crushed
1/3 cup arborio rice
1 and 1/3 cups hot water from the kettle
About 1/3 to 1/2 a low salt chicken stock cube, crumbled
Pinch of saffron
Handful grated parmesan
Grating of black pepper
Saute the onion, celery and garlic in the butter till soft and translucent then stir through the rice. Add the liquid bit by bit till it’s absorbed – it will take about 20 minutes. Throw in the saffron with the first addition of liquid and add the pepper and cheese at the end.
We’re using the (pretty tiny amount) of leftovers for risotto balls for Bert’s lunch one day this week. They’d be nice with tomato sauce in the middle.
This is similar to risotto in every way except it takes a bit longer (about 45 minutes), so start a good while before your baby’s howling like a wolf, and you don’t need to keep stirring while the liquid’s getting absorbed, freeing you up to race tiny cars.
We didn’t have any lemons so I used a bit of sumac from my Ottolenghi period.
Teaspoon of butter
1/2 stick celery, finely diced
1/2 onion, finely diced
1 clove garlic, crushed
100g pearl barley
400ml boiling water
Low salt veg or chicken stock cube, crumbled
Finely chopped oregano leaves or 1 teaspoon dried oregano
Zest of half a lemon
A pinch of saffron
Grating black pepper
Saute the veg in the butter, then stir through the barley and add the liquid and seasonings. Bring to a boil, reduce to a gentle simmer and cook for around 35-45 minutes, till the liquid’s absorbed and the barley’s tender.
Serve with a bit of mild cheese on top – maybe pecorino or crumbled feta.
My standard bol recipe used to include red wine, salty bacon, milk and sometimes chopped chicken liver. Sounds a little voodoo when it’s all written down and it was a bit too intensely savoury for a baby. It also involved finely cutting up loads of stewing steak. When you’ve just got a small amount of free time in a day, spending most of it cutting up meat is less appealing.
Serves 6 (we had 3.5 for dinner and leftovers for lasagne)
500g minced beef
300g minced pork
1 onion, chopped
2 garlic cloves chopped
1 carrot, diced
1 stick celery diced
leaves from a spring of rosemary, finely chopped
glug olive oil
200ml boiling water
Low salt beef stock cube
Grinding of pepper, grinding of nutmeg
2 bay leaves
Fry (or ‘sweat’) the onions, rosemary and garlic in the olive oil, adding the other veg and cooking for around another 5 minutes. Transfer to a large saucepan or casserole and brown the meat in batches. Add to the veg and then pour over the passata and water, crumble in the stock cube and season, tucking in the bay leaves. Bring to a steady boil and then cook in a very low oven (140 degrees or an Aga simmering oven) for around 3-4 hours. You might need to bring it onto the hob at the end to reduce it a bit.