Apple and blackberry toffee crumble 

Last time Bert cooked I had high hopes that he’d eat every mouthful. I helped him grate the courgette into the pea and bacon risotto chortling to myself about the thought of him eating it greedily. He took a single mouthful and flatly pronounced it ‘gusting’.

This went a bit better. 

Enough for 6 (I was cooking for two)

2 cooking apples, peeled, cored and thickly sliced

1 tablespoons dark brown sugar

1 tablespoon butter

As many blackberries as you can pick – we had about four big handfuls

1 tablespoon golden caster sugar

230g plain flour

115g butter, cold and in small pieces

50g golden caster sugar

40g brown sugar

Level teaspoon ground ginger

40g jumbo oats

Melt the first lot of butter and brown sugar, drop the apples in the pan, toss in the toffee sauce and cook gently on the hob for 5-10 minutes, till the apples are starting to soften. Add the blackberries and first lot of caster sugar. 

Preheat the oven to gas mark 4/ 180.

Put the flour and remaining butter into the bowl of a food processor and pulse till crumbed (or rub between fingers and thumbs to crumb by hand). Stir through the remaining sugars, ginger and oats. 

Pour the fruit into an ovenproof dish, top with crumble and cook for about half an hour, till golden. Serve drowned in cream


Apple fritters


Oh balls, I’ve got nothing in for pudding except a bowl of apples and pears.

Made 8 fritters

130g plain flour

1.5 teaspoons baking powder (that’s one and a half, not fifteen)

1.5 tablespoons of golden caster sugar

1 egg

100ml whole milk

1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

1 average sized eating apple, cored and diced (I used two small ones)

Vegetable oil for frying

Beat everything except the oil together. It’s a thick batter, closer to cake mixture in consistency than pancake batter. Heat up about an inch of oil in a deep pan and drop spoonfuls of the batter in. When they’re puffed up and golden, turn them over in the pan. Get them out with a slotted spoon, pop onto some kitchen towel and dust with icing sugar. It’s a good idea to make them before you eat the main course so they’ve got time to cool and you’re not toiling over boiling fat while a todder practises acrobatics on a high chair unattended.

We had ours with maple syrup. Bert took a second one to eat on the sofa – not strictly allowed. At the moment he laughs with pure joy every time I tell him I love him – is there anything better in life than a toddler? Maybe a toddler and warm apple fritters.

My best apple crumble


Here’s Bert looking weirdly spotlit as he eats it. This was taken during a two-minute lull in a long and complex game of Simon Says led, as ever, by Bert. He’s evolved the game to include facial expressions (largely mournful) and noises (largely sinister) and it’s now like something you’d pay ¬£10 to see in the upstairs of a grubby pub in East Dulwich. Maybe it’s the way we light his chair.

Served 4

Two large cooking apples

50g butter

Two tablespoons soft brown sugar

Zest of one orange

Juice of half an orange

225g plain flour

90g golden caster sugar

115g butter

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

Peel, core and slice the apples. Melt the butter and soft brown sugar together on the hob in your oven proof dish till it’s a warm, brown, bubbly sauce and then stir the apple slices through and leave to cook for five minutes or so.

Meanwhile, make your topping. If you’ve got a food mixer, just pulse together the flour, sugar, butter and cinnamon till they look like breadcrumbs. Or rub it between your finger for the same result.

Then grate your zest onto the caramelled apples, squeeze in the orange juice and pour over the crumble topping. It should cover it comfortably, like you’re burying your dad’s leg in the sand. Put it in the oven at 180 (or near the bottom of the Aga roasting oven) for about half an hour, till it’s golden and bubbling.